New Beginnings 

  
This beautiful piece was given to me today by someone who I believe sees my passion. A passion that has provided me a purpose in life, one that aligns succinctly with my life path. A spiritual journey that begins with immense gratitude for my past and proceeds with unrelenting faith for what the future holds.



For a star to be born there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse.

So collapse.

Crumble.

This is not your destruction.

This is your birth.

A love poem

  
Words are something I’ve come to love in recovery, this is a poem I recently penned. 



a sublime dance

an epoch sweetness

in  an open glade


two enigmatic stars

colliding in motion

in a universe so vast


pools of crystalline beauty

exposing a fierce heart

taking guard a tender soul


liberate that beautiful spirit 

you goddamn goddess 

for all of me to see


Paul xx

‘The drop’

  
In active addiction my life was predominantly driven by the thoughts in my head, these thoughts were what I believed to be right based on conditioned thinking, or core beliefs.

Through the recovery process I have discovered over time that my thinking, 95% of the time, is wrong. They are simply just thoughts, thoughts that my brain belief are correct based upon an extended period of life experiences.

‘Dropping’ out of my head and into my body has opened up a whole new world of endless discovery into my innermost feelings and emotions. It has provided me with true empathy and a real sense of ‘knowing’ people relationally. 

I have revealed this part of myself that no longer trusts what my head is telling me, I can drop into my senses and communicate them openly most of the time. This discloses an honesty from within that cannot be challenged by anyone but myself, as I so choose.

And ultimately with this comes freedom from self, self believe and self love.

I’m an idealist, a feeler and a dreamer, I choose to follow my heart, not my head. ❤️

“Don’t think, feel”

  

I sit here in the midst of new dawn (literally! I can’t sleep, lol) and have awakened to a humility of my place in the universe. 

My reality is just that, a real sense of the perception of who I am, and what I am not.

With this wisdom comes the freedom to accept all that is possible in life, removing the constraints of my controlling thinking and revelling in the wonderment of it all. Where once I was encapsulated in my thoughts of where I have been and where I am going I now abide in the present, feeling the joy of each moment unfolding.

Reflection and Change

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As my time comes to an end here in rehab I enter a period of reflection on the amazing change this period in my life has provided me. The feeling of excitement for what the future has to offer, the importance of the role connection to other people plays in an addicts life and the humbling sense of power the universe provides.

No longer do I dwell in the fear and insecurities of life, I revel in the sense of ‘knowing’. The ease and comfort of this ‘knowing’ ironically shrouds me in a way that keeps me open to experience all the joys and wonder of what life has to offer.

As I come to the end of this chapter in my life I sit with a beautiful curiosity of not knowing where the following pages will lead me. This is acceptance, acceptance though that I will be lead to a life beyond my wildest dreams.

This is change also, change can be frightening and unsettling, but if we fear change we become stagnant in our controlling ways of what ‘should’ be.

Today I accept change for what it brings, a beautiful life unfolding and revealing the true man that I am and with it a magnificently wild sense of exhilaration and wonderment.

“Change is in fact the only constant in life”

Pity – By Nietzsche

  

“Pity stands opposed to the tonic emotions which heighten our vitality! It has a depressing effect. We are deprived of strength when we feel pity. That loss of strength which suffering as such inflict on life is still further increased and multiplied by pity. Pity makes suffering contagious. Under certain circumstances, it may engender a total loss of life and vitality out of all proportion to the magnitude of the cause…”

Thinking v Feeling

Charlie-Chaplin-We-think-too-much-and-feel-too-little

My ‘best’ thinking got me to where I am today, sitting at my computer in a rehabilitation program for drug and alcohol addiction.

This statement is a powerful one to reflect on. Thinking, especially conditioned thinking, has caused much suffering in my life to date and causes to do so at times when I am not mindful and not observant of my thoughts. What I have learnt in the past few days is the ability my old way of thinking has of causing pain in others, this presents itself in me as acts of selfishness, self-centredness and lack of empathy.

What I recognise now though is the feeling of within myself when I act through my head and not my heart, this is when I revert to type. When I do the next right thing based on my core values guilt is eliminated from the equation. When my actions stem from the heart they are delivered with a kind passion and empathy that can not be argued. For an addict in early recovery this concept can be one difficult to grasp but it is something that I am intensely aware of at the moment and I can recognise when my words and actions come across as hurtful to others.

For now I continue to work on responding to people in a kind and loving way that is based on real emotion and empathy, and where I still react in a selfish way based on my stinking thinking I promptly admit it and make amends to the people it hurts.